My GPU has been fixx0red! Thanks to Pointman, who advised me to decrease my AGP speed from 8x to 4x. I still think it’s stupid that my brand new video card must run on half the speed it was built for in order to work, but now I can actually play Deus Ex, which makes me very happy indeed!
Speaking of computers, I’ve been working on no less than 2 computers this week. I’ve more or less got my dad’s machine to work, all that’s left now is to get him a new IP address so he can go online and download Windows Service Pack 2, and then I gotta install an antivirus program and a firewall on it, then my work is done. The other computer belongs to one of his colleagues. She heard I was putting a PC together for my dad, and so she asked if I could fix hers. She had some problems with excessively long load times etc. while just working in Windows. I’ve formatted the whole thing and reinstalled WinXP. Now I gotta install Service Pack 2, Office 2003, Works, a little package of maintenance utilities I’ve put together, and put the backups I took of all her stuff back on it. I even went out and bought her a new RAM block and a USB pen drive that she asked me about. Her machine had 128 MB of RAM before, which is not really enough for a WinXP system, now she has 512 megs, which should give her a considerable difference.
Another thing of little relevance to anybody but myself is that I discovered Netradio today! Right now I’m listening to a channel called Modern Rock and wondering why the Hell I didn’t do this long ago. By the way, I do think it’s about time for the last chapter of TOOL. You know… I’m really not kidding when I say I’d like to get some feedback. Any feedback will do, really. I would go so far as to accept a simple “nice”. And if you feel like flaming me for wasting your time with my untalented blabbering, go ahead! I promise I won’t be mad. Please?
I register the terror in his eyes, hidden well – but not quite well enough – behind a mask of caution and calm analysis. He wants me to think he’s got everything under control. That he’s attempting to come up with a solution to the situation. Maybe he is, but he knows as well as I that he’s already failed. He’s staring down the barrel of a loaded gun, and what he sees down there, his own private vision of death, is wiping his mind clear; eradicating his ability to think logically. He wouldn’t be able to put 2 and 2 together right now.
I smile. Maybe to see his reaction. It’s a cold smile, my smiles always are. I’ve caused too much suffering to smile properly. A smile is no longer within my physical abilities. For a moment, his mask drops and I can see straight into the depths of his horror, but it also seems to set his mind in motion.
“You snapped. When you killed Monica, you snapped.” He wants me to think he knows how my mind works, but he knows as little as I do. He can’t help me. “Look… don’t kill me for no reason, man. I’ve known you since high school! I can’t imagine what it’s like to kill somebody you love. I… I know it was terrible, man, I know you’re hurtin’. Don’t make it worse than it already is! There was nothing you could do, man, you had no choice! You just need some help, for God’s sake! You just need to talk to somebody. I’m here for you! I am… Talk to me. I want to help you.”
I don’t want help. I want him to know I’m not mad. I felt nothing when I killed her, that’s the problem. I wanted to feel sorrow. I NEEDED to feel sorrow. There’s nothing wrong with me, except… I’m not hurting. I need to hurt a little. This will help. This is bound to help. If this won’t hurt, nothing will ever hurt. What am I then? Am I real?
A murder is just an extroverted suicide, I once heard. It’s true in so many ways, I know that. I have years of experience with it, killing myself a piece at a time. One day maybe, I’ll kill the last piece and die with it. Or maybe I already have.
He falls silent. I pull the trigger.
It didn’t help.